Shelke's journal
by Reibunriinta
Summary: Shelke is suffering from anxiety attacks and nightmares shortly after they defeat deep ground. Eventually Tifa suggests that she start a journal. This is Shelke's journal, where she writes whatever comes to mind, and attempts to fight the memories of her dark past.
1. Introduction

A year has passed since Deepground was destroyed. The horrors are still fresh on my mind. Every dark memory seems to plague it. Every night I have these nightmares. To be more exact at what I am trying to say, I am afraid. My past is haunting me, and I don't know what to do about it. Tifa suggested I start this journal. Apparently, journaling helped her cope with some of the traumas that she had to face at the hands of Shinra and Sephiroth.

My hope is that creating this habit of journaling will help me to better fight the plague of my mind, and to be rid of those nightmares once and for all.

This might not be important in the grand scheme of things, but this is my story, and I want to see it improve. The nightmares might not ever go away, but at least I can have hope.

- _Shelke_

 _ **A/N Shelke is one of my favorite FF characters, and she is so underrated! So I thought I'd write a story about her. I had another story I was going to do about her, but I decided to do a journal instead. So this is how I think she would be after they defeated DeepGround. This is also sort of to raise awareness about anxiety attacks, this is something I struggle with, and something I think Shelke would have after everything that she'd been through. So I hope you enjoy this little fan fic, I'll try to update whenever possible. Love y'all -Reibun**_


	2. Am I part of the team?

After we dismantled DeepGround and effectively saved the planet, I had no clue what to do. For ten years that hell had been my home. I was happy to see it go, but it was not lost on me that I now had no place to call home.

I decided not to think about it. Once again I wished I could die. I just wanted to see my mother again, and my father, and Shalua.

How was Shalua fairing in the lifestream? Was she sad that she only got to see me again for just a few hours before her death? Or was she happy that I survived? If Shalua taught me anything, it was that love drives out fear and sorrow.

I was completely ignoring the others, and I didn't even notice when they started to leave. When I realized that they were leaving, I didn't cry out. I wanted to be with someone. I was tired of being alone. But I didn't want to call attention to myself, I didn't want to be a burden to anyone else.

So I just stood there, staring out at the rubble that I once called home. I began pondering my situation. I was in darkness, both literally and metaphorically. And for once I seriously wanted to end my own life.

That was when I collapsed. I was broken, I might have escaped the hell I'd been bound in, but I came out a broken object, a soulless shell.

 _'Shalua...save me.'_ I pleaded in my thoughts. I scoffed at my own stupidity, what was I thinking? Shalua was dead, she wasn't coming back. She couldn't save me anymore...nobody could.

That was when I was proven wrong.

"Hey, are you ok?" I recognized the voice as Yuffie's.

I didn't answer her. What was I supposed to say? That I was homeless? Broken? Soulless? Spiritually dead?

When I didn't answer she knelt down in front of me. When I looked in her eyes I saw empathy behind them; Yuffie had been through more than she let on. She smiled reassuringly and said "Everything is going to be alright now." She started to stand up. "But we've gotta go, it'll take a few hours to get back to Edge."

She extended her hand to me, and I couldn't help but smile as she helped me up.

As we made our way back I noticed that nearly everyone was gone. When I asked her about it, she said the airship had left. Apparently we were leaving in Barret's truck. That was when I learned about Yuffie's motion sickness.

I learned a great deal more about her, particularly that she is afraid of silence, which I gathered from the fact that she never stops talking.

The truth was I appreciated it. I appreciated having a friend to talk to. For so long I only spoke when spoken to; it was the only way to survive the tsviets.

When we got to edge we stayed in Seventh heaven.

Yuffie and I slept on sleeping bags, and for once I could sleep without fearing for my life. For once I could rest knowing that Rosso won't decide to kill me for the fun of it, that Azule wouldn't crush me, and that I wouldn't be engulfed in Nero's darkness. Now the only thing I feared was my dreams.

I didn't want to dream, I knew that they would all be nightmares, so instead I chatted with Yuffie.

I told her I was afraid of going to sleep, scared of the rest of my future. I will never forget the advice she offered me.

"That's because you think you have to face it alone...you don't know where you're going to live or how you're going to survive." She just laughed.

When I inquired why she was laughing, she replied "It's just, if you knew Tifa you'd know she'd never allow that..."

That had never occurred to me. Why would a stranger care enough about me to stop me from facing my burdens alone.

Yuffie wasn't finished.

"See...we're a team. All of us are. I'm like the positive one, I make everything better because I know that we are strong enough to pull through anything together.

"Vincent's the realist, he balances out the optimism that I bring to the team, makes sure that we don't have impossible goals...

"Reeve keeps us going, makes what we're doing possible. He is also the creative one, he takes my optimism, and Vincent's realities, and puts them to good use.

"Barret keeps us motivated. When we feel like giving up, he won't let us. He's the one who keeps us all in check.

"Cid makes what we do possible as well. He flies us all around Gaia, and more so than any of us, he'll never give up. He's the one who works the hardest. He's also good at sorting out Cloud when he gets confusing.

"Nanaki gives us the common sense when we need it and keeps our morality in check. And Cloud is the one who keeps us all together, he's the leader of the team.

"Tifa is like the big sister of the group. She keeps us from going crazy when we are under a lot of stress.

"So look, I know you've been through a lot, but you're in good hands. We won't let anything bad happen to you okay?"

I had never thought of teamwork like that. In the Tviets, I was part of a team, but I was just a piece in a machine to them. None of us held any value outside of our abilities. I had no concept of protecting ones own or true teamwork.

I'd like to think that I am better now, but I cannot tell. Sometimes I wonder if I have become part of the team...I suppose it's something I will never really know. Someday, I'd like to be a part of something as amazing as their team...maybe I will join the WRO, only time will tell.

 _ **A/N hiya everybody, sorry for the late update, I just started NaNoWriMo, and so I have nearly no time to write fan fiction. Anyway this is really rambly. And I am literally falling asleep writing this, so I'll try to update this whenever I can. (Also this is completely unedited, so sorry for any mistakes.) Love y'all -Reibun**_


	3. Family

Family is a concept that I have no memory of. I was always close with Shalua, but my parents passed when I was still relatively young. And after I was inducted into DeepGround family was never mentioned or sought for.

So, after being in Seventh Heaven, well family is something I've had to come to understand.

Cloud and Tifa are like parents, like a mother and father, or this is my understanding. I have observed that Marlene and Denzel come to them with any concerns they have. They also show them the things that they are proud of.

Tifa seems to be the one they go to for emotional problems, whereas from Cloud they tend to expect more practical and technical questions.

I wonder what about having a family is so desirable. I have never had use for such things, but my environment is different now, and like all surviving creatures I must adapt to my surroundings.

I will have to investigate the uses of families. I will report my findings in this journal, once I have sufficient evidence to support the claims I will make in whatever opinions I form on the subject. In the meantime I remain the same detached child I have been for so long. Perhaps someday I really will understand, until then I must persevere. -Shelke


	4. Torture

I had another nightmare last night. This one was just a memory. A DeepGround soldier found out I was trying to escape. So he took me aside, into a dark room. I was terrified at what he might attempt. All he did was ask me how I planned to get out, he said that he had a family, that he joined Shinra and was inducted into DeepGround and desperately wanted a way out.

Perhaps it was because I hadn't been in DeepGround long, but tears entered my own eyes when he started to cry. He said that his baby daughter had just been born when he was inducted, he said that two years had passed, and that his wife was dying the last he'd heard from her.

Looking back on it, I wonder if he was telling the truth. He may have been exaggerating for the sake of persuading me into helping him escape. Either way it didn't matter; his fate was still the same.

Rosso overheard his cries, and she came bursting into the room, her weapon raised. She killed him, just like that someone's life came to an end. I cried over his corpse that day.

Rosso took me after that, she chained me up and tortured me. She said I needed to be broken. I couldn't want to escape. There was no escape, she said. And if I wanted to survive I needed to accept that and devote everything I had to DeepGround.

That day I learned to pretend to be broken. I wasn't really broken, yet. That came later through years of suffering incidences just like these.

When I awoke from this nightmare , or memory, I could have sworn I saw Shalua sitting next to me, trying to comfort me.

I don't know anything other than darkness, so I would have no way of knowing, but perhaps the boundaries between mortality and those who have returned to the Lifestream is thin. I will have to ask Cloud about his encounters with Aerith Gainsborough and Zack Fair, apparently he encountered both of them a year ago when he fought Sephiroth once again. I overheard him discussing it with Tifa once. I will report my findings. -Shelke

 _ **A/N Hiya, I've been trying to update this more frequently. Sorry for grammar mistakes and such, I just jot these down on my phone and post them so there are bound to be a few mistakes. Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed this so far, follow this if you want to read more. Favorite and review of you'd like. Thanks for reading. -Love y'all -Reibun**_


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